I’ve recently switched doctors and my new one wanted to conduct a series of routine tests, so last week, I traipsed along to the clinic, empty sterile container in hand, to donate some pee to the lab. Walking toward the entrance, I noticed a man—middle-aged, Asian, balding, with slightly rumpled clothes—headed toward the entrance as well, with a bottle of stool sample in his hand. And so began my not-so-pleasant reaction to the swishy brown contents of his bottle. All conversations in my head will hereafter be italicized:
Eww! Gross! How could he just bring poop in a transparent bottle like that? At least cover it with a paper bag! Some people.
Swish, swish, swish went the poop, as the gentleman stepped into the clinic lobby, with me a safe distance behind.
Disgusting. It’s so runny. Good thing I haven’t had any breakfast. Seriously, I get you’re a recent immigrant, but watch and learn, my friend! No. Scratch that. You’re not my friend. No friend of mine would walk around with poop in public view.
Poop-swisher took a seat, bottle in hand and on full display, while I chose one at the other end of the waiting area.
Really? Holding it so close to you like it’s your lost lover? You’ll die of an infection, man. Oh god I’m going to hurl. This should be illegal. There are kids with compromised immunity in this place. Have you no concern for the wee ones of the world??
Poop-swisher stared benignly into space, clutching the watery contents of his intestines.
I don’t believe this. Why couldn’t he just do it in the bathroom here, like everybody else? Maybe he has a performance anxiety issue. Maybe he had one of those tiger mums who said “Poop now or forever hold your piece.” Well, he’s sure holding his piece now!
Poop-swisher adjusted his position and I looked away for a moment, to give the impression I wasn’t turning cartwheels on the inside and emanating guttural gasping sounds of disgust.
Holy guacamole! He’s raising it to his mouth! Omigod, he has Pica! Somebody get mental health medics in here! Noooooooo! STOP IT! Don’t drink that!!!! I’m gagging, oh lord I’m gagging, I need the bathroom. Now!
Wildly looking around for a nurse or medical aide, I saw Poop-swisher from the corner of my eye, calmly take a swig from his bottle of Starbucks Mocha Frappucino, screw on the lid, and put the bottle beside him.
Oh.
“…………..”
If you ever repeat this incident to anyone, dear reader, you and I are OVER.
Wisdom Wears Neon Pyjamas 
While I was reading this, I kept thinking “He’s going to drink it. He’s going to drink it. Oh dear lord he’s going to swallow the swish.” Then you echoed those thoughts exactly and I actually held my breath wondering if the climax of the story really was “He swallowed the swish.” Auggh. I love it.
I will hereafter refer to other people (whom I dislike or whom I want to make fun of) as having “runny poop for brains” for as long as I can. No need to mention this incident. So, we’re still ON, eh?
PS: Thank you for the backstory. I will spend many a moment laughing to myself, at my own joke.
I was still laughing at your ‘Teacher OJ, I pooped like a dumptruck today’ tweet, when I saw this post come up. I was half expecting it to be a continuation of that tweet (I love your school/ children tales; your post on Little C, is my favorite post). This one turned out to be funnier. OJ and scatological humour, who would’ve thought? 🙂
Sharing this post with friends.
cruelladekill: Really, you predicted that? I was just so horrified that he was clutching the darn thing so close to him, it didn’t even occur to me that he’d swallow any. 😮
Pallavi: I’ve clearly started an esoteric giggle-fest in your head. Enjoy!
R: This post is for June of http://shetalkslikejune.com, who once said that my blog made her feel bad about hers, because hers had the words poop and fart all over it.
And girl, read the last line of my post. Then read the last line of your comment.
Whoops. Wait, I take back my last line.
Dear OJ, I am very honoured that all things poopy remind you of me 🙂
forever hold your ‘piece’…was the best!!!
R:
Thought so.
June: Umm, not all things, hon. I worked with preschoolers, remember?
sukanya: 😉
The end was sooooo unexpected!!! This is that type of a story where you are on a dentist chair and not with a ‘lover’!!!! Never heard it before, never will.
This was hilarious! 😀 And ‘…Maybe he had one of those tiger mums who said “Poop now or forever hold your piece…”’ takes the cake!
nst2: Once was quite enough for my poor palpitating heart, thank you very much!
DFSK: 🙂
We weasels have had the last laugh
Good thing you didn’t complain to the staff
If they’d taken action
At your retching reaction
They’d certainly have made him willy-nilly barf!
Aunty G: 😆 Oooooh, that would’ve been quite a story wouldn’t it? I would probably be banned for life.
You are too too cute!!!!!!!
Orange Jammies: Now you’re stealing the Boy’s lines. 😛