St. Valentine: Smartly Single and A Patron of the Plague

14 Feb

This Valentine’s Day, because we’re sodding balls of mush, because the OJ-Boy romance is far from typical (who gets a book on financial investing on the very first V-Day of their relationship? I do!), and because it is my moral duty to educate you about the reality of this cotton candy-filled, chocolate-centered, gooey-as-snot emotion, here is a compilation of my Twitter hashtag ‘Things Marrieds Say To Each Other’. I don’t guarantee sappy, puppy-eyed romance. But I do promise this: Someone, somewhere was made for your sense of humor. And blessed are those who land them.


“I’m an equal opportunity farter.”

“I love how effective our communication is. The morning greeting beautifully boils down to one word: “COFFEE!”

“I have photographic rights. When we married, you signed off on them.”

“Isn’t Cheteshwar Pujara that Bihari festival?”

“I never find anything soulful. Except maybe a shoe.”

“I will share my life but not my plate /The depth of my heart isn’t quite that great.”

“My needs are simple. Coffee and a little Tiffany.”

“You had me at correct punctuation.”

“Oh good lord, don’t pass out! That’s not my toe lying on the carpet, it’s the Band-Aid!”

“You’re my ardhaangini. So I get half of every cupcake.”

“That’s your ‘We’re getting late’ sigh.” ~   “Yeah, and…?”   ~    “Aaaaargh!! I can identify your various sighs!”

“You’re too far away.” Apparently, six inches of separation is terribly much.

You know that awkward phase between sizes?”  ~   “Hmm.”    ~   “You don’t know! You’ve always been 1 size! Just PRETEND!”

“Ear-digging can be a dangerous business. I just found chocolate shavings in mine.”

“‘Bheeda’ and ‘eeda’ rhyme. That’s proof that they’re meant to be together.”

“My camera, my house, my wife,” he says, when I accuse him of being a stalker. Damn such sound logic!

“It’s MENstruation, not womenstruation, and yes, you can tweet that.”

“You’re so much more than a pretty face.” ~ “You’re so much more than a wild imagination.”

“Sometimes people are broken and imperfect, you can’t reject them because of it!” ~  “Baby, it’s a WAFFLE.”

“I think I’m getting bucktoothed.”

“What do you call someone whose farts knock people out?”  ~  “What?”  ~  “Gaseous Clay.”

“See you in my dreams,” he says, blowing a kiss from his pillow.”Oh, and make dhansak while you’re there.”

“I’m not cooking dal. Then you’ll have a bad air day.”

Me (digging into his IHOP pancakes): “Babe, these are two of the three pillars of our marriage.”

“I’ve had better luck finding a spouse than a coffee table.”

“In this new year, may you realize the critical importance of coasters.”

“I’d say your eyes are my windows to the world, but now you have Twitter.”

“Ooh, baby, you’re so fly!” ~ Me to the Boy every time he takes a plane.

“Even the inside of your nose is cool and nice.”

“I share my LIFE with you. Now you want my mawa cake as well?!”

“It’s so hard to walk around hearing the Canon all day!”  ~ “Wow, that must be loud.”  ~ “I mean Pachelbel’s.”  ~ “Oh!”

“Bless you…now that you’ve sprayed your germs on the wall.”

“That’s it. We’re moving to a nudist colony. I’m not doing the laundry anymore.”

“Repeating verbatim what your spouse wants you to say.”


Happy Sweet-Saint-Whose-Head-Was-Chopped-Off Day! Don’t forget to share the things you tell your beloved in the comments section! 😉

10 Responses to “St. Valentine: Smartly Single and A Patron of the Plague”

  1. i*Kan February 14, 2014 at 1:20 am #

    “Let’s get McDonalds for dinner”. On last night in Rome.

  2. mim February 14, 2014 at 7:38 am #

    ~ your nostrils are flaring, as we speak.
    and that’s all we have …
    hey, you guys got all the best lines! I demand a better sense of redistribution of these funnies…

  3. Aunty G February 15, 2014 at 9:19 am #

    Soul-satisfying mind-mates AND phrase-freaks
    Wondrous one-liners come out of their beaks
    Ours is ‘jored’
    When someone’s jealously bored
    C’mon, People, let’s elicit some more squeals and eeks!

  4. R February 16, 2014 at 5:00 am #

    Have I told you that your scatological sense of humor is one of the reasons why I love your writing? They got the best laughs from me 😀 (Not that the others weren’t a hoot. I was laughing through your list).

  5. alice February 17, 2014 at 9:27 pm #


  6. Orange Jammies February 21, 2014 at 2:41 pm #

    i*Kan: Ha!! 😀

    mim: That’s giggleworthy! And hey, I haven’t even shared the x-rated ones. 😛

    Aunty G: Jealousy bored, pray what may that be?
    I’m puzzled and curious, as you can see
    (Please don’t be furious
    But does that make ‘purious’?)
    Waiting for an answer. Sincerely, Me.

    R: I realized this past weekend that I have a 7-year-old’s sense of humor. A little boy and I cracked up equally when he said “Poop!” to something completely unrelated.

    alice: Hey missy, how’s it going?

  7. Aunty G February 22, 2014 at 12:22 am #

    Puzzled and curious
    Could be mixed up with furious
    And we couldn’t have that
    ‘Twould lead to a spat
    So let’s be lucid — not ambiguous!

  8. Orange Jammies February 25, 2014 at 10:44 am #

    Aunty: Oh but I love shades of grey
    Neither night nor day
    ‘Tween them I float
    They rock my boat
    Keeping boredom at bay!

  9. Aunty G February 25, 2014 at 9:58 pm #

    Greys and browns i rather dislike
    And mustard, i could with relish, spike
    Bright colors of splendor
    Wave to my wonder
    And oh, how The Topic has taken a hike!

  10. Orange Jammies March 4, 2014 at 5:35 pm #

    Aunty G: The topic is scrambling through a maze
    ‘Tis true, it appears in a daze
    Sauteed and tossed
    It seems quite lost
    In a logic-less haze!

Here's a bar of chocolate. Now talk to me. :)

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