A Comprehensive Dictionary of Parenting for Beginners

3 Feb
  • Diaper: A piece of absorbent cloth Mummy wears between her legs because between feeds and singing and communing with the washing basket, a toilet is a once-familiar entity in a faraway universe.
  • Sleep: Word not found.
  • Blowout: Since we’re in polite company, let’s just say it’s not the fancy things a dryer does to your hair.
  • Midnight feast: Sod Blyton, sod Mallory Towers, it’s a full blown party of one to which a certain someone’s parents are very reluctant invitees.
  • Rocking: Formerly used as a descriptor for parties and weekends, this calorie-burning tool is the perfect substitute for pumping weights.
  • Shhhh: What you find yourself saying to the person responsible for 50% of Creature, because:
    1) That’s the sound you emit most these days
    2) Advanced language is highly overrated
    3) I just may be incapable of sophisticated communication at this point
  • Fun: Non-REM cycles of shut-eye.
  • Schedule: That hilarious entity that people who haven’t birthed a person ask you to share. Also known as “When’s a good time to chat?” Erm, 12 years sound good to you?
  • Jelly: Formerly an edible substance, now an apt descriptor for your mid section. Also, how your innards feel when a newborn smile is bestowed.
  • Sleep: Word not found.
  • Doorbanger: A special kind of Beelzebub spawned for the sole purpose of waking your finally-asleep child.
  • Anticlimax: Fitting into your pre-pregnancy jeans a few weeks after delivery, only to have them puked on three minutes later.
  • Social life: Be grateful you have the latter word. ‘Nuff said.
  • Auto pilot: Discovering yourself swaying side to side long after the baby was put down.
  • Freedom: One whole hour of your body being your own. 60 entire minutes. That’s 3600 seconds of alone time. What Marquez meant when he wrote One Hundred Years of Solitude.
  • Sleep: Word not found. Stop making up lingo.
  • Parenting: An extreme sport designed to challenge every ligament in your body and synapse in your brain. Not for the faint of heart, this lethal activity will put you through the shredder and your entrails will emerge smiling.
  • Spouse: Trusted general of your tag team. Your partner in tasks of increasing difficulty. The one who has your back and frequently rubs it too. Future old age home roommate if you mess up this gig.
  • Luxury: A hot shower. Water! Soap! And preferably no one else in the bathroom.
  • Love: An abysmally inadequate word to describe the tidal wave of tenderness, fierceness, punch-me-breathless-with-mineness, indescribable biologically engineered response that comes with the territory. Universally unique. Uniquely universal. Blabber blabber. Gufhndslsladpoo.
  • Romance: Having a free hand to hold your hubby’s.
  • Spatial intelligence: The higher ability to know your boob from your face. I’ll get there. Someday.
  • Pain: You think you know all about that from going through labor. And then you watch your child being punctured by needles.
  • Blessing: Lying in bed at night, parked between a snorer and a tooter, congratulating yourself on landing two gorgeous men.
  • Insanity: Loving every bit of this existence and not wanting it to change a jot. (Wait…could the poop be less ummm…poopy?)
  • Sleep: Persistent little gnat, aren’t you? Come back in 20 years, I’ll have an answer for you.
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    8 Responses to “A Comprehensive Dictionary of Parenting for Beginners”

    1. Dkk February 3, 2015 at 11:21 pm #

      Congratulations OJ! Some things defy being defined.

    2. dipali55 February 4, 2015 at 6:27 am #

      Awwwwwwwww! It actually does get better. Hang in there. Cuddle the Wee One for me.

    3. hAAthi February 5, 2015 at 12:54 am #

      Lurrve lurrve luuuuuhhrve this πŸ™‚

    4. Themagicfactor February 5, 2015 at 1:31 am #

      πŸ˜€ Adorable

    5. Aunty G. February 7, 2015 at 9:40 pm #

      When baby-babble arises
      Deft definition surprises
      Slumber sleeps
      Occasionally peeps
      But OH! The piquant prizes!

    6. rohini26 February 17, 2015 at 11:52 pm #

      You lost me to a green cloud of envy at “Fitting into your pre-pregnancy jeans a few weeks after delivery”. 9 years and counting and I have yet to achieve that particular feat!

    7. Roshni February 18, 2015 at 9:16 pm #

      LOL!! Great list! Looks like you’ve mastered the vocabulary! πŸ˜€

    8. Orange Jammies February 21, 2015 at 11:01 pm #

      Dkk: Thank you! But me, I’ll die trying. πŸ™‚

      dipali55: Gladly, Dipali! I hope I didn’t give the impression that things are hard! I’m having a ball. :mrgreen:

      hAAthi: Glad, darlin’. On an unrelated note, I’ve looked up that Smitten Kitchen strawberry cake about 57 times now. Someday soon, I’ll even get around to gathering the ingredients!

      Themagicfactor: Hello you!

      Aunty G: Our darling bundle of boy
      Is a constant source of joy
      I spend all day
      ‘Tween poop and play
      With my precious toy!

      rohini26: You must’ve been one of those Skinny Minnies before pregnancy, Ro-girl. That kind sees the most change. If you’re already a blimp like moi, there’s only this much blimpier you can get. πŸ˜€

      Roshni: It’s so kind of all of you to not point out that this dictionary isn’t in alphabetical order!

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