To the Persistently Kind Folks at Viagra:

17 Nov

Dear Mesdames and Sirs Spamalot,

Thank you for your continued attention to the state of my “man whip.” I feel compelled to inform you that I am not in possession of the said tool of sadism, born as I was with alternate anatomy, known in layman and -woman’s terms as a hooha.

I regret I will be unable to “satisfy her wildest fantasies all night long” as my French-bearded bed-buddy may be a tad resistant to undertaking a sex change operation for your commercial benefit.

Yes, my testosterone is flagging. I bloody hope so. The last thing I need is another wax appointment. It would take away from the precious time I spend trashing your valuable messages.

When I grow a ding-dong and need a shot in the ….err….arm, I assure you your esteemed company shall be the third to know. The first two, of course, will be the morgue and my lawyer. In that order.

Good luck with your noble campaign. I apologize I am inadequately equipped to stand up in a show of support.

Yours ovulatingly,

OJ

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21 Responses to “To the Persistently Kind Folks at Viagra:”

  1. M4 November 17, 2008 at 7:18 am #

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    The memory of this post will keep me laughing through the day!

    You are one helluva funny woman!!

    M4

  2. Sharanya Manivannan November 17, 2008 at 11:10 am #

    Hilarious!! I wish I’d thought of this first. TVF needs a funny piece next (due tomorrow) to mix it up a bit, methinks. 🙂

  3. Nino's Mum November 17, 2008 at 12:02 pm #

    Subhanallah! And so much healthier than grunting and hitting the ‘mark as spam’ button, no?

  4. D November 17, 2008 at 12:03 pm #

    Hilarious indeed. Exactly my response to all the spam I receive for increasing the size of my non-existent member.

  5. wordjunkie November 17, 2008 at 12:45 pm #

    excellent start to my Monday morning… especially since i find myself overly-spammed these days

  6. Anindita Sengupta November 17, 2008 at 2:17 pm #

    😀 You are so funny, girl.

  7. Orange Jammies November 17, 2008 at 2:41 pm #

    M4: When your inbox begins to resemble your bulging body thanks to all the crap that’s fed to it, it’s time to pull out the stops.

    Sharanya:…. TVF being? 🙂

    Nino’s Mum: Did that for a year. Then carped to the Boy. But clearly that did nothing other than fuel his everyman woman-on-woman fantasy. Bah!

    D: Take matters into your own hands, I say!

    wordjunkie: It’s almost as if the spammers are peering through your window and know you’ve been grounded for a month.

    Anindita: Only when I’m klutzy. Which is all the time. 😉

  8. Pallavi November 17, 2008 at 3:06 pm #

    You made me cry this morning… all the laughing hurt my stomach. I doubt anyone else could have put it better on behalf of us members of the non-membered group.

  9. DewdropDream November 17, 2008 at 3:18 pm #

    hehehehehehe 😀

    Reminds me of the time my boss narrated an instance of being spammed with mail from ‘Sarah Jane’ that said ‘My sperm count increased ten-fold on taking this medication’.

  10. gooddaysunshine November 17, 2008 at 4:51 pm #

    Har har har…its even funnier when they send you these and breast enlargements at the same time!

  11. Orange Jammies November 17, 2008 at 8:56 pm #

    Pallavi: Most travel insurance schemes have coverage for ‘death and dismemberment.’ I’d love to read one of their claim applications: Dear Representative, dis member has been dismembered. 😉

    DewdropDream: Tell your boss Sarah Jane is my morning cuppa. As is Tracey Kelly and Hard As Nails.

    gooddaysunshine: Covering all bases, they are. Oh the moobs, the moobs!

  12. Aunty G November 17, 2008 at 10:31 pm #

    Ooooooh, this post on Viagra
    Is cascading laughter like Niagra
    Our poor ovules
    Need other capsules
    To send us all into Valhalla!

  13. just another mommy November 18, 2008 at 3:24 am #

    🙂
    I feel your pain – I wouldn’t know to put it in words as eloquently as you have!

  14. dipali November 18, 2008 at 8:40 pm #

    Priceless, OJ!

  15. Orange Jammies November 18, 2008 at 10:45 pm #

    Aunty G: You’re a seasoned horse
    Spouting oh-so-ancient Norse
    O, what would I be
    If it weren’t for Aunty G
    worse for wear, of course!

    just another mommy: Hello! Thank you, thank you. The wound is deep. 😉

    dipali: Exactly! On some days they even offer free samples of the darn thing. Aaaaargh! 😡

  16. Abha November 20, 2008 at 12:58 pm #

    haha!! 🙂

    had such a laugh!!

    how does one girl get to be wise and funny at the same time?!

    hrrmmppff!

    cheers!

  17. Orange Jammies November 20, 2008 at 2:42 pm #

    Abha: …because (shhhh!) the wisdom thing… it’s all a big joke. :mrgreen:

  18. the mad momma November 20, 2008 at 7:41 pm #

    that should larn ’em

  19. Orange Jammies November 20, 2008 at 11:49 pm #

    MM: We wish. 🙂

  20. shail November 25, 2008 at 10:41 pm #

    Hilarious OJ. Reminds of a post by SneJo, where she mentioned something similar, back at Yahoo 360.

  21. Orange Jammies November 25, 2008 at 10:43 pm #

    shail: Thank you. 🙂 Who is that? The name doesn’t ring a bell.

Here's a bar of chocolate. Now talk to me. :)

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