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The Return of Confucius

14 Sep

a.k.a. Treasure at your Leisure

***

OJ: What is this?

Little B: This is a nose.

OJ: What do you do with it?

Little B: I dig it.

What was that again about Monday mornings being crap?

Fail Rail

3 Sep

I sure have interpersonal issues. Even my Gmail attachments fail!

~Me to the Boy, only half jokingly.

Credo

5 Aug

You mean it’s not “Good Thoughts, Good Food, Good Deeds”??

~An unconvinced Boy on his version of the three pillars of the Zoroastrian faith.

(Hi)ss for Ssatisfaction

3 Jul

With a friend at a cafe, catching up after a longish while:

OJ: How’s work?

Friend: Decent. Mergers…(yada yada)….acquisitions….(yada yada)….interviews, travel, research programs. So how’s yours?

OJ: Same old. Howl-shit-puke.

Mirror, Mirror

19 Jun

Why your legs are so fat?

~One of my kindergarteners to me, looking up my skirt whilst I bent over her written work last term.

Is your nose usually that bulbous or is it water retention?

~My doctor to me, a few days ago.

That’s right. Pile it on. It’s a good thing I was born with the vanity gene missing.

Grunt

11 Jun

It feels like literary constipation. The words would probably come out if I sat long enough, but hell, it would be painful.

~Me to the BFF, trying to explain why I can’t write without my laptop.

The Old & The Beautiful

7 May

Aww, their love is all so new.. you remember how it was?

~Gushing over his best friend and his newly-acquired fiancee, my Boy of less than 18 months.

3 guesses what kind of leather he’s getting when I see him tomorrow.

Water Bad

22 Apr

What’s supposed to hurt during this one?

~A friend to our aqua aerobics trainer, as we attempted a new workout segment this morning.

One Brother For Sale

15 Apr

OJ: I stepped on a mouse, I stepped on a mouse!

Brother: Did you apologize?

OJ: It screeched and scuttled off and I screeched louder and scuttled off faster.

Brother: Oh, it’s the old story then.

OJ: Which one?

Brother: The Mouse and the Elephant.

Wait, I change my mind. Take him for FREE. I’ll even throw in a pair of Rayban Aviators.

Hurry! Offer open until patience lasts.

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go

23 Jan

Conversations at a family wedding:

With my brother-in-lawyer:

OJ: What happens to the victims who don’t receive compensation or a response?

b-i-l: We’re filing a PIL on their behalf.

OJ: You’re such a blessing in this family of social Rumpelstiltskins!

…..

With my fashionista cousin:

OJ: I got myself a Bottega Veneta tote.

Cousin: *gasp* *scream* OmigodOmigodOmigod!

OJ: You’re such a blessing in this family of style Rumpelstiltskins!

…..

With my theatre actor/director cousin:

OJ: The synopsis of “Aftermath” gave me goosebumps.

Cousin: We’ve been rehearsing intensely, do come see the plays and tell your friends about them.

OJ: You’re such a blessing in this family of literary Rumpelstiltskins!

…..

And then I spent the rest of the evening making sure they didn’t talk to each other.

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