Things I’ve Wanted to Rant About….

29 Jan

…but didn’t know where to start. The WTFness of the world has shot through the roof right about when I don’t have the time or the bandwidth to go on a verbal dharna. Not that my vicious teeth-grinding changes the course of the planets, so it’s just as well that this remains limited to brief bullet points:

  • The Dutts, ‘Mr. and Mrs’. Waste of space, waste of time. I hope Lucknow kicks his criminal ass. We’ll see how long the wife leech hangs around.

  • The Rai-Bachchan. Or Padma Shrimati, as the grown woman giggles. To have a credit card version of a human being (flat and plastic) receive the nation’s premier civilian award with utter disregard to bronze-winning Olympians makes me a very ashamed Indian. And I’m not even going anywhere near the subject of booty-swinging, cleavage-flashing Helen, supposedly deserving of a national honor for the worthwhile legacy she’s left in her bubble-butted wake. Quick, who’s next? Emraan Hashmi? Shakti Kapoor? Aaaooo would be my very appropriate response. I can’t think of better catharsis than baying at the moon.

  • The Mangalore moral police who protected women’s honor by assaulting them and depriving them of the rights a sovereign, socialist, democratic nation assures them of. Who says there’s a Karnataka-Maharashtra feud? They’re swapping furtive cross-border notes on pious guardian-hood, for sure, for sure.

  • The rabble-rousing cowards also known as MNS. After public barbs temporarily silenced them in the aftermath of 26/11, they’re back with a new target and the same hackneyed agenda that is transparent enough to walk through blindfolded. Karachi Sweets now sours their unschooled minds. If only they hadn’t played all that hooky when they had a chance at an education, they’d have known that history can’t be painted over and re-inscribed in Marathi.

  • The Baap of Bullies, the Godfather of Goondagardi, the original Papasan of Parochialism: the Sena. Yes, we know Bombay doesn’t have many open spaces for the youth to get their regular exercise. 5-star hotel lobbies and kitchens however, are not fair game to flex frustrated muscles. (Didn’t their mamma teach them not to play with their food?) A gentle suggestion to our ungentle buffoons: We have a beautiful sea. Feel free to swim. And DROWN.

  • Damien got an early start and the MNVS is taking a chapter out of his book. Not content to wait until full-time rowdyism beckons, this student wing of our stellar MNS has swung into the local front pages for their sound logic, exercised so aptly in the halls of highest learning. “The security staff person was rude to us and so we vandalized the Registrar’s office.” But of course. Who has the time to confront lowly grenade-toting terrorists? We train our sights on antique desks.

  • While we’re condemning the brawn brigade, I don’t mind confessing I’d like to do some swatting of my own. At the top of my everyday list would be parents who send their children to school with viral fever so their 3-year-old doesn’t miss out on a whole 2-hour school day and falls behind on the accelerated learning curve that goes with all the sand play and singing. Never mind that the other children, their teachers and the Vice Principal are infected and hacking half to death.

In case you were wondering, yes, this is what PMS feels like. GRR.

23 Responses to “Things I’ve Wanted to Rant About….”

  1. sukanya January 29, 2009 at 7:14 pm #

    You are funny OJ. Really!

    ‘credit card version of a human being’- too good!
    there goes the credibility of this award- right out of the window and into a pile of flea infested gunk!

    and no, this is not your PMS talking- these are issues that make everyone’s blood boil.

  2. Manju January 29, 2009 at 10:17 pm #

    Hey I finally make my way here to wish you a happy new year and everything ..and what do I get? very very topical rants……oh well don’t have to go looking for The Injun Express online! …,,is now a good time to wish you a happy new year????

    btw I am working now and so you see so little of me, will call to swap notes soon..take care OJ!

  3. M.... January 29, 2009 at 10:18 pm #

    I read it out aloud and felt like I was ranting…Ah felt good…. Thankee OJ….
    how I wish… all the above mentioned people… just go live on Mars or somewhere…..

    *dreaming about it…*

  4. errormsg January 30, 2009 at 1:30 am #


    but i SO agree with you. calling them ‘insane’ would be a kind, affectionate pat on their semi precious backsides.

    as for Rai-B, check out her inimitable ‘credit card’ contribution to The Pink Panther (trailer on youtube) and ‘The Last Legion’ (again, trailer on youtube). Christmas tree on acid!

  5. Happy Karma January 30, 2009 at 10:38 am #

    That was a super quick summary. You pretty much covered it all for this week. As for the ‘bleddy’ moral guardians aka Gehlot, BSY and Mutalik, go burn in hell!
    Can we ask for some extra blessings for Sheila Dixit, meanwhile?

  6. rajni January 30, 2009 at 12:14 pm #

    I agree!
    On every point.
    Leech & plastic .You pick out just the right words OJ:)

  7. Anindita Sengupta January 30, 2009 at 4:14 pm #

    Agree on all of it! Loved the credit card analogy. Please sign statement at UV if you haven’t already, btw. And send other people over as well?

  8. In love with my life January 30, 2009 at 4:34 pm #

    I read this yesterday..and re read it today. When i am angry, i can’t get any word right, and it cannot come out better than you have written.
    I have a personal relation with one of those incidents above..and all i have been able to do is stand in the bylanes, seething with anger, swallowing abuses and urging the resistance to get back.

    On a lighter note….still trying to get over ” credit card version of a human being ” and ” leech”.That was bang on.

    And oh!…add me in if you need any assistance to swat those parent types. They are the reason V has visited his ped once every month!

  9. Neha January 30, 2009 at 6:02 pm #

    You said it! you echo my thoughts.. thanks for summarizing it so well..

  10. Shivani January 30, 2009 at 6:55 pm #

    “credit card version of a human being”

    Will you pay for the doctor to cure my aching sides?


    Priceless, this one. Gems like these ought to be patented.

  11. Orange Jammies January 30, 2009 at 8:48 pm #

    sukanya: Glad to have the company of my fellow ragers. 🙂

    Manju: There you are! Happy new year, hon. Talk soon.

    M: On a completely tangential note, does anyone else feel sorry for poor Pluto and its demotion?

    errormsg: 😆 at “Christmas tree on acid”. I’ll spare my weak eyes, thanks very much.

    Happy Karma: For how I feel about old crone Dixit, go here:

    rajni: They find me, Rajni. Come crawling on all fours in the dark of the night and pinch me awake. 😦

    Anindita: Of course. Right away.

    In love with my life: I’m sorry to hear that. About your personal connection and V’s pediatrician visits. Bummer, no? 😦

    Neha: Hello! First time here? 🙂

    Shivani: They’re up at the Smithsonian. OJ gets a special gallery all to herself. 😛

  12. Piper.. January 30, 2009 at 10:27 pm #

    funny!!! 🙂 I`ve been reading angry posts on these issues everyday. People are enraged! So am I. But reading your post, I realize just how ridiculous the whole thing is. Mangalore incident and the whole Sanjay Dutt thing. As for Ms Rai, the less said the better. Did you know that Kumar Shanu got the Padma Shri too?!!!! 🙂

  13. M.... January 30, 2009 at 10:37 pm #

    I know I know… it was my fav Planet… reminded me of Pluto the dog…. sigh!!

  14. Anamika January 31, 2009 at 12:10 am #

    How very well said. The nation is progressing, faster than ever towards a hell hole. Thanks for making us laugh and keep em coming before blogs are made illegal and against indian culture.

    Read the great Mr.Ramadoss’ name on TOI headline but was too tired to even bother reading thru it. More moral policing from our keepers.

  15. Orange Jammies January 31, 2009 at 11:35 am #

    Piper: Wait. Udit curtain-coat Narayan and Kumar Sanu? Okay that’s it. Somebody kill me. NOW!

    M: And because I didn’t have anything better to do last night, I stayed up to read about Pluto’s eccentric axis tilt and how its atmosphere freezes and evaporates, depending on its orbit around the Sun. Such fun! :mrgreen:

    Anamika: Yeah, the Sena called. They want their jammies back.

  16. dipali January 31, 2009 at 12:54 pm #

    Want to laugh (at your hilarious angry post) and cry at the same time, given the absolute mess that is happening wherever we look. All expletives seem too damn tame. Bah.

  17. Orange Jammies February 1, 2009 at 12:33 pm #

    dipali: What alarms me is the number of issues we necessarily have to involve ourselves in to ensure the downward spiral is temporarily slowed down. It’s almost as if without sustained engagement in daily public life, we’re perched on a bomb waiting to explode. Not that I have any evidence to prove that involvement won’t make it blow up in our faces anyway.

  18. Solilo February 4, 2009 at 4:38 am #

    Ha..ha..ha. Love this one. Padmashrimati and credit card version (this word was used today by a blogger on Shobha De’s blog. If its yours then you need to copyright it). She has Neta and Abhineta by her side.

    Bhajji got one too for basically being a foul mouth on all Cricket grounds.

  19. Faredoon February 4, 2009 at 10:52 am #

    Regarding the last point, I wanted to mention that I experience an “office” version of that phenomenon these days. Conjunctivitis and viral infections being most common afflictions in the winter. About conjunctivitis, the funny part is when people walk into the office thinking they’re doing their colleagues a favour by employing the greatest technique known to man that prevents spreading the virus – wearing sunglasses! So the situation is: we have cool-looking people walking around the office wearing sunglasses, being avoided by their colleagues like the plague. I just wave out to them from a distance!

  20. Faredoon February 4, 2009 at 11:06 am #

    Regarding the other points, I agree 100%. The post just articulates everything I’d have to say. I wouldn’t know where to begin if I had to write myself.

  21. Ramsu February 4, 2009 at 12:41 pm #

    Lovely rant, this.

    The Sri Ram Sena chief’s argument against all the “media fuss” about his people beating up women is that people are choosing to focus on this incident while there are countless rape cases still pending in the courts. Not that there is any chance of him getting of his culture-preserving ass and doing anything about *that*. Oh no, that would involve actually doing good, and you don’t get noticed doing that, do you now?

    And how on earth does “the credit card version of a human being” (lovely, lovely phrase) even come close to deserving a Padma Shri? I can only think of two explanations:

    * The Padma Shri is apparently given for distinguished contributions in various spheres, so Her Giggliness cut a deal saying she’d retire from the movies, thereby contributing immeasurably to its quality through her absence.

    * They kidnapped the President’s family and made this part of the ransom demand.


    ps: If it takes PMS for you to rant like this, I’m assuming you’re an absolute saint for the rest of the month 😀

  22. Orange Jammies February 5, 2009 at 3:14 pm #

    Solilo: Someone has???!! 😯 I’m going to rampage the blogosphere now. Slap a few people, smash furniture. That should do it, no? Watch out, you drink-swilling, gender-mingling, phrase-stealing evil-doers, here I come!

    Faredoon: Yeah, there are these illogical things people blindly follow without questioning just because they’ve seen others do it. Like the sunglasses you mentioned. And touching the foot one accidentally bumped into, touching the chest and making apologetic kissing sounds because the foot, as we all know, is the vilest, most horrific part of the human anatomy.

    Ramsu: LOL @ kidnapping the President’s family. I don’t think anyone would notice if they made off with the Prez herself. And yes, please to notice my halo. And ignore all those people laughing on the floor. 😀


  1. Things I’ve Wanted to Rant About…. | Nightguard Blog - January 30, 2009

    […] Read More… This entry was posted on Thursday, January 29th, 2009 at 5:35 amand is filed under Teeth Grinding. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. […]

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