Kambakkht Shit

14 Jul

a.k.a. The One in Which Isabgol is a Silent Sponsor

***

Yes, yes, it’s all my fault. A violent downpour and rush hour traffic delayed our cello concert plans and we ended up at Inox with an evening ahead of us. Our choices were New York and Kambakkht (that’s all it deserves to be called, nothing remotely lovable about it) and voicing my concerns at already having lived through 9/11 America, I whined my way into getting tickets for the latter. (It also helped that the Boy had forgotten his wallet at home, so I maturely used the opportunity to wave my meagre money in his face.)

Now there’s garish, no-excuses, Jeetendra-Sridevi-and-pots-on-the-beach ‘80s Hindi cinema and then there’s Kambakkht Ishq. A script, as the Boy mentioned, scribbled on a shred of toilet paper, gyrating numbers that blasted out of seemingly nowhere, an absence of Govinda to justify the mindlessness, squirm-inducing attempts at slapstick, ugly as sin non-actors, wince-worthy sidekicks and the whoring of two wrinkly, past-their-prime Hollywood stars made this flick that passed off Cannes as Los Angeles the Convention of Extreme Designer Exhibitionism and nothing more.

Not even the usually watchable Kirron Kher, completely wasted in this celluloid tsunami, could save it from stinking like rotten eggs. Akshay Kumar hammed through the torturous two hours and thirty seven minutes like a beast on a leash, something I’d throw a couple doggy biscuits at before getting safely out of the way. That the Kapoor girl left a watch inside his belly and not one of her fake lashes or acrylic nails is a minor miracle in itself. (The major one, of course, being that she lives to make another movie.) Kahkashan Whatsherface Patel’s saving grace was that she sports a nose more bulbous than mine, and somebody rescue Javed Jaffrey from himself, please. Repeated exposure to his schizophrenic behavior makes us gloss over the fact that this man needs help. Really and truly. I don’t have degrees in Psychology for nothing.  [An aside: I have a theory that someone made off with the original script, where all the characters were to be herded into a hospital room and gassed into lifelong coma. Now that would be off-the-charts reality filmmaking with a happy ending.]

Watching through fingers fanned across a mortified face, pinned against my seat by roaring sound waves, bleating apologies every third minute to the grim, angry man to my left, and almost making history as the first woman to be divorced before she was married did not make for fun viewing. I want my money and Thursday evening back. And told-you-sayers can just take a long hike. In those 8-foot heels ripped off the matchstick draped in Dior. Now cross your fingers that the Boy doesn’t read this post. The tiniest of reminders may just hurtle me toward history.

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22 Responses to “Kambakkht Shit”

  1. Aunty G July 14, 2009 at 12:24 am #

    What a lot of acute adjectives
    Just falling short of expletives
    Giggled my way through
    Of COURSE, pitying you,
    the boy, and other sundry fellow natives.

  2. sukanya July 14, 2009 at 12:26 am #

    i read terrible reviews about it …but watched a TV program where people were gushing and raving about it…

    btw, i stole your tag…pliz forgive..

  3. M...... July 14, 2009 at 2:32 am #

    Gah …. Kapoor babe gets on my nerves….. according to IMDB…. the movie has Sylvester Stallone… and Arnold Schwarzenegger!!!
    Not that its going to make me see the movie….
    The last movie I saw was Slumdog Millionaire…. I so need to catch up!!!

  4. richajn July 14, 2009 at 11:25 am #

    ROFL!
    Lovely, lovely review. Now I dont need to feel bad about being out of touch with movies.yaaaaaaaaay!!!

  5. errormsg! July 14, 2009 at 11:33 am #

    there’s OJ towel-drying her poetry and clicking frames to match. and then, there is the OJ with her hilarious Isabgol clad cinema-experience. hehe.

    and i am SO grateful for both 🙂

  6. dipali July 14, 2009 at 2:02 pm #

    OJ, this was probably the worst movie I’ve ever seen!
    The SRE and I join you and the Boy in mourning the sheer and utter waste of our precious time and hard earned money.
    And Kolkata’s Telegraph actually gave it a decent review. Bleccchhh:(

  7. Thinking Cramps July 14, 2009 at 4:01 pm #

    Oh it was truly terrible. Offensive to the core and not at all funny. I could not believe the movie was MEANT to be that bad…when I realised that it WAS, and that the popcorn was over, we walked out…

    You have my sympathies.

  8. Sharon July 14, 2009 at 5:39 pm #

    LOL Quite a strong review,that! I am going to recommend you to my newspaper to write their movie reviews. Beats the sh$% outa the current ones!:)

    Sharon
    http://www.thekeybunch.com

  9. Orange Jammies July 14, 2009 at 8:06 pm #

    Aunty G: Giggles don’t feel like pity
    At our plight so shitty
    The only thing dumber
    than each monstrous number
    was the script so itty-bitty. 😦

    sukanya: Not mine to begin with. 🙂 Enjoy.

    M…: Not with this movie…….nooooooooooo! *flings herself between M and the screen*

    richajn: You lucky thing you.

    errormsg!: 😀

    dipali: The Boy’s words exactly. He said it was the worst movie he’s ever seen. I still think Welcome was even more unwatchable.

    Thinking Cramps: Exactly. It wasn’t even meant to be a parody. But Nadiadwala’s moronic grandson is gleefully laughing all the way to the bank.

    Sharon: Go right ahead. 😉

  10. dipali July 14, 2009 at 10:23 pm #

    Welcome was dreadful too, but a notch above this in the bottom of the barrel scrapings. So was the execrable Partner.
    I just saw Singh is Kingg on TV and found it positively brilliant after the Kambakkht Crap.

  11. Mamma Mia! Me a Mamma?!? July 14, 2009 at 10:47 pm #

    Oh God! I went for this shitty excuse for a movie too and was dithering over putting up my ‘review’, but yours is just so brilliant!!

  12. Anamika July 14, 2009 at 11:11 pm #

    I will watch it on a $2 pirated DVD and evilly laugh at everyone else who paid a penny more.
    Clicking watch inside a tummy? Really!!!

  13. errormsg! July 15, 2009 at 7:02 pm #

    oh and i want that raincoat.

  14. sukanya July 15, 2009 at 8:22 pm #

    hey thanks for your comments on my blog.

    following are two non-fictions you can check out:

    India Against Itself: Assam and the Politics of Nationality -sanjib baruah
    Strangers in the Mist-Sanjoy Hazarika

    unfortunately there aren’t too many books (readable) out there.

  15. Orange Jammies July 15, 2009 at 11:16 pm #

    dipali: I watch very little Bollywood, so I’m not the best judge, but with Welcome, I barely made it to the interval before scrambling out on all fours. The only thing that kept me there until then was the task of translating the farce to my German friend. Eventually, even she asked me not to bother.

    M4: It’s just one of those movies, hon. Anything said about it can’t possibly be as bad as the real McCoy.

    Anamika: Really. As Rakhi Sawant says, god swear.

    errormsg!: Won’t fit ya.

    sukanya: Thanks so much! Will hunt them down.

  16. Miss M July 15, 2009 at 11:40 pm #

    Like i was telling a friend today, that we should create a group on facebook saying ‘kambhaqt ishq, kambhaqt movie’. 😛

    I watched the trailer on youtube and that did it for me. No way am i watching this piece of shit on the big screen. Why are people even allowed to make such movies yaar? Seriously.

    First time here. Think I came over from MM’s blog.
    🙂

  17. wordjunkie July 16, 2009 at 8:55 am #

    Okay, first you watch Kambakht, and now you’re quoting the Sawant. What. Is. Going. On?

  18. Orange Jammies July 16, 2009 at 11:38 pm #

    Miss M: Welcome. 🙂 I’d join if I could, but I’m allergic to social networking sites.

    wordjunkie: Sigh. I guess I’ll have to spill it: I’m putting myself through this test of extreme endurance called Iss Bollywood Se Mujhe Bachao. They’ll let you know at the funeral if I didn’t make it.

  19. Piper.. July 17, 2009 at 1:12 am #

    hee hee!! your post made my day!! ROTFL… :):)

  20. Orange Jammies July 17, 2009 at 4:05 pm #

    Piper: Sigh. My pain, your gain.

  21. Vas July 21, 2009 at 3:56 pm #

    Hi OJ,

    Don’t worry even if that boy divorce you before the marriage, I am ready 🙂

  22. Orange Jammies July 22, 2009 at 4:09 pm #

    Vas: For marriage or the movie? 😕

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