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Things Past & Future

26 Nov

I haven’t forgotten.

I will not forget.

Has the pain changed? Certainly. From deep, searing grief, it has settled into my hollows and constantly reminds me of its presence. I am here, I will stay, you will always remember.

Life and I, though, after many long years of dancing the minuet, have arrived at an agreement, and I must push plans through before the fickle sprite changes her mind.

So excuse me these next couple months, while I shuffle around doing Big Things.

I will be back. And you’ll still be here, won’t you?

Stay well. God bless. And if you’re an agnostic/atheist/ prefer not to believe, pick your own blessing. I’m happy to wish it.

How, Susanna?*

4 Sep

“Huh..,” I try.

“Hu…” again.

My breath snags, catches on a syllable and I swallow quickly.

“Boyfriend” rolls off the tongue like wine on warm skin.

Smooth. Familiar. An old shoe.

“Fiance” trips off in a tutu, twirling for effect, batting its mascara-soaked lashes and smiling coyly in Francais.

But hu…

huh…

husband.

Meet my husband. Oh, my husband isn’t home. I’ll let my husband know you called.

(Whew.) That one that takes a 32-year tongue some practice.

Ladies and gentlemen, the reason they married girls off at 14, revealed.

~~~

[*Obscure reference to Ruskin Bond’s short story Susanna’s Seven Husbands]

A Question:

18 Aug

(Perhaps rhetorical.)

Does the term ‘ex’ describe the state of the relationship or the heart?

And which came first for you?

Oh Virginia

9 Aug

Really?

And your vagina doesn’t have a name??!

Lately…

23 Apr

…I’ve been a stranger to myself.

Does that make sense?

Old Bottles

29 Mar

The downside of mature love is the knowledge that you can live-and even thrive-without each other. Work will fill those spaces earlier reserved for romance, you’ll make your peace with and perhaps celebrate singledom, and rejoice in the company of friends and family and a whole bed to stretch out on. No single object of affection is worth fighting, struggling, shrinking self or giving up haves for. You’ve sailed past that goal post and being on your supposed ownsome isn’t the bogeyman they made him out to be.

Daily rhythms cushion you, triumphs of the past buoy your troughs and the hours shrink magically, too few to bother with the likes of 20-something hankerings, their accompanying angst and the empty chores that make us feel needed. Peace is precious, choices dear, the self firmer, surer and less exploitable.

The upside of mature love is that it isn’t a necessity. Just an evil you can choose once you’re done figuring out the hours left on life’s timesheet.

Urbs Prima Pedestria

18 Mar

Life gets more pedestrian every day. And far from being aware of this fact, we appear to revel in its fall-out without even realizing the implications of our choices. Take malls, for example. In what way are they a suitable entertainment option? If you need something, you show up and buy it. Or you show up, browse and buy it. Or go window shopping and indulge the odd whim. But who actively steps out saying “Ooh, let’s randomly hang around at a mall without an agenda and cloak ourselves in consumerism, ignoring more appropriate cultural/cerebral/child-friendly pursuits”?

The answer, sadly, is far too many people. Even though they may not have processed it that much. People for whom popular culture is the only route, whose idea of alternative is bright blue ice-cream, who take solace in identical mass-produced goods, chain stores and majority choices. Who believe Bollywood is the default setting, that one must necessarily burst into filmi tunes at a picnic/wedding/middle of nowhere and that branded is best.

So the little store around the corner languishes like a neglected hausfrau, small businesses are increasingly impossible to sustain, local flavor gives way to cities that could be clones of each other with the glass-facades of their retail temples glistening with consumerist entitlement—we’re big, better than bourgeois, we deserve front and centre. And so we eat. At tables housed in painstakingly identical restaurants around the world. And we shop. In a store that could very well be in Shanghai or Chicago. (And if you didn’t actually live there, could you even tell their skylines apart?) And we send our children to conveyor belt schools and sigh in relief at the “known name” that will take care of what is our primary responsibility, never mind that you can’t tell one rote learner from the next. And we amuse ourselves with consumerist pursuits—check, check, check, what’s next on the List? Bigger equals better equals shiny happy joy. And we take PRIDE in being just like the next person, oh look! We’re so with it.

Crossword is the default bookstore, PVR the default movie screen, the friendly neighborhood mall the multipurpose hotspot. Really? Is debilitating uniformity all we can offer ourselves in a time when choices are supposedly multiplying? Or is that a glimmering capitalist illusion and are our options actually shrinking by the hour?

I’m certainly no trailblazer. And not everyone wants to be. But a little thought, people? About things and ideas and possibilities that could be, were we not so cognitively lazy and ready to grab the longest branch, the shortest pole, the easiest available alternative that is in no way alternative at all. For all our streets jammed with new-fangled factory line cars, we’re more pedestrian than ever and what’s most alarming to me as I watch the trend burgeon and deliver grandbabies is that knowingly or otherwise, we’re unabashedly proud of it.

A Question:

22 Feb

Is an engagement anniversary a happy event or does a faint sense of tragi-comedy permeate the occasion?

The jury’s out. Vote in.

Leprechaun

16 Feb

a.k.a. Amen to Angst

I am jealous. Of happy people. Not the ones who have it all, or are beautiful, or accomplished. But the ones who find it so easy to live in a permanent state of thrill, who pluck strains of joy out of the ether and plant them in their backyards. The ones who insist on being euphoric. Who slip into contentment like silk over skin.The ones who don’t have their radar trained on discomfort, pick up on melancholy or carry a goatskin bag of pathos straining to burst. The ones missing a depressive gene. Who take curry on ceilings and the loss of ways of living in their skip-hopping stride.

And have the temerity to smile through it all. And make me look at them warily and mouth “How?” while their limited processing capacities, mediocre life and sorry choices mock my wellsprings of angst. I can hear the taunts & chuckling all the way home and their sunshine gleams behind me, an even deeper shade of green.

But my sliver of glee dwells in knowing that you’re the one person in the world who will absolutely understand. And I toss happiness one last pitiful glance and speed-dial your number.

~~~

Updated to add: The Science of Lasting Happiness, an article in the Scientific American magazine.

It’s Been A Long Time Since 22

3 Feb

The Boy is currently in the U.S. of A. My old home. The one of mixed feelings and an avalanche of memories. The one I gift-wrapped my twenties for and offered with all the good faith only a 22-year-old who’s never left home can muster. The one that flung me in the air, picked me up, let me down, set me free, tied me forever. And four years after I left on that flight from Logan, I plead the same pointless questions on repeat: How is it there, tell me… How is it, the vibe… How is it, the feeling… How same, how different… knowing full well that my former Europe-dweller can only see it with the eyes of a frequent visitor while I crave a resident’s perspective. Specifically, my own.

You see, it’s not as simple as buying a ticket and hopping across the pond. Some things are like the unclaimed parcel you know not to touch. So you may wonder, and hanker, but leave well enough alone. And ask questions about the weather and the food and how many pairs of shoes he’s getting you. While you sneak onto Mapquest and roll the names of New Jersey townships off your tongue. Parsipanny, New Brunswick, Cherry Hill. Moorestown,Trenton and Belle Mead. Signboards from another lifetime, because hey, you were an upstate New Yorker, hicktown Pennsylvanian, too-proud Bostonian and Jersey’s for the desis with their H4 wives. And then you listen to John Mayer singing this

(via MM) and something forbidden unfurls deep inside and you know the marshland has begun and you’re one foot in.

The Boy comes back late tonight. And I’ll ooh and aah over my shopping list. But all I’ll be wondering is how it is there… tell me… How is it, the vibe… How is it, the feeling…. How same, how different… And some part of me will be glad not to know.